Nature vs Nurture

So which do you believe to be the stronger within you ... NATURE, i.e. your true nature, or NURTURE, i.e. how you have been raised and taught to behave? Let me tell you a story. It's a long story, it is still unfinished, but here it is in abridged form.

My dear sweet Mama was a very nurturing woman who believed in allowing her childrens' true nature to come forth, as long as it was within the limit of the law. We were allowed to follow our own paths and to become the people we were meant to be. Oh, she guided, pushed, and sometimes rubbed our noses in our messes, but never tried to make us something we weren't.

My two middle brothers pushed that to the limit, but this is not about them. This is about my daughter. The biggest surprise of my life.

My daughter was raised by people who were not her parents. She was adopted by them. That's another story for another time but, no, I did not give her away.

You cannot make a sheep out of a wolf. You can teach it not to bite the hand that feeds it, and put a coat of sheep's wool on it but, at some time, it will remember it is a wolf. When it grows skilled enough to care for itself, it will shed that false coat and be gone. Such was the situation with my girl.

Candice searched for her real family for years, trying to find the answers to who she is and why she was thrown away. We stumbled onto one another strictly by accident, through a mutual friend, and a wondrous friendship developed. That friendship soon turned into a mother-daughter relationship we both needed.

It took others to point out to us how much alike we are but, once we realized just how closely our stories matched, we took the steps to find the facts. She is my daughter; the child I was told was a stillborn delivery of twins.

The truth behind her "death" may never be known, but we've won anyway. I have reclaimed my Victoria/Tori, and she has finally found the family she searched for all those years.

My wolf cub has returned to the pack and she is flourishing.


Nature vs nurture? I have my answer.

Bereavement Blog Assignment #3

Exploring the grief process, support, and moving forward.

Q. Which grief metaphor resonates with you? Do you have a different picture of your grief?

A. I have felt them all over the past 3-1/2 years but, lately, find myself in that place of life transition and well-composted soil. 

While I will always miss my dad, Daddy, Mykel, and Mama, and will always grieve for them, I feel the healing and personal growth taking place as I've worked through these past few months.  I feel and welcome the transition from daughter to matriarch of the family. I can find the light through the darkness.

I am growing, I am blooming, and I have been truly and fully blessed and enriched by those who have passed.

Q. What gives you comfort?

A. I am comforted by the memories of those who have gone before me.  I am able to go inside myself and relive or simply remember some very special moments, and I have a treasure trove of photos and other physical reminders from and of those loved ones.

I also have a large and growing circle of family and friends that give me love and comfort when I need it, and know they will receive the same when they need it.

Q. What do you need at this time?

A. Warm, dry weather so I can finish the tasks Mama laid in my lap and fulfill the one wish I have for myself. 

Q. How can you nurture connections with others?

A. By doing what has been given here and in my circle.  Be open, willing to listen, and not be judgmental.

Q. How are you handling stressful situations?

A. By enjoying my life and living it to the fullest. We all have stress. I choose to handle each situation and move on from it.

Q. What coping strategies did your mother model for you? Do you wish to emulate her coping styles and/or do things differently?

A. I do emulate her coping styles. Figure out the problem, figure out how to solve it, solve it, let it go. If it can't be solved, let it go. I am loving, I am strong, and I am wise. And sometimes, crying is the only way to let it go.

Q. What words might your mother say to you with regards to honoring your grief and embracing life?

A. I taught you well.

Walking Into Target Makes Me Smile

While I'm unclear of the date this actually happened, I do know it happened. 

As Mama's mobility and stamina began to decrease, she began to make use of the motorized carts at our favorite shopping haunts.  Mama loved Target!  Target has class! 

During one afternoon shopping trip, left to her own devices for a while, Mama ventured into the women's clothing area to shop for new jeans and t-shirts. Everything she owned was falling off her because her weight was dropping so swiftly.

Have I mentioned the fact that her reactions were also slowing? No? Well, they were. She pushed the go button on the cart just a bit too long as she headed over to look at jeans and disappeared, face first, cart and all, into the round display rack. And there she got stuck. The cart would not go into reverse, and the post in the middle of the rack prevented her from going forward. She sat there laughing and calling out for help. "Help! I'm stuck! (laugh, laugh, laugh) Came the voice from nowhere. "I'm stuck; help me get this stupid thing out of here! I'm in the jeans!"

I finally located her and helped her to back out of the middle of the jeans, which were now falling off the rack and making quite a mess. The sales clerk finally showed up and we left her to clean that up. Mama and I left Target that day without buying a thing, and went for coffee.  We laughed about Target every time we got together to shop.

I never did leave her alone after that, though. She got into too much trouble.

I miss you, Mama!

Monday, March 21, 2011 - Post Bachhanalia

Saturday night was a much needed release of emotion, crazy behavior, and an overindulgence in alcohol. Dawn and Ryan throw one hell of a party, let me tell you!

There was fire

There was drinking. Waaaaaaaaaay too much drinking! LOL

There were sexy clothes and girl-on-girl action. Yes, that is my hand on Dawn's ass.

There was walking in the cemetary to see the super moon and meet the Dark Angel.

Yes, the moon is there; just not exactly Super Moon quality, eh!



Also found a couple of very nice markers that I want to go back and photograph during the daylight hours.

I was informed that the Dark Angel would haunt me forever. Yeah, sure. People forget who and what I am. There are lots of things that haunt me. Take a number, Miss Thang!

So, my eating habits went out the window and I didn't just fall "off the wagon," I drove the stupid thing over a cliff! LOL! Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to get off before it went over.

Did not drink any more after 12:30 am and left the party in time to get back into Cedar Rapids as the bars closed. It can be a bit unnerving to look in your rearview mirror and see multiple sets of red and blue lights screaming toward your vehicle. 8} Pulled over to the curb and gratefully watched them scream right on past. I could see them stopped up ahead, but turned off at Center Point Road and headed straight on home.  Found out Sunday that there was a huge fight at the Road Ranger station on First Avenue.

Sunday, I moved another bunch of stuff from Mama's house and from ours out to the storage garage. Need to get furniture moved out there before it gets much more full or I won't have room for it.

Note to self: I'm still hungry for pancakes . . .

Saturday, March 19, 2011 Day of the Super Moon

Lovely sleep last night. Woke at about 6:30 am, used the "facilities," crawled back into the loft and slept for two more hours before the puppers decided I was sleeping no more. Note to self: 12 hours of sleep leaves Mumsy energized and ready to rock!

Coffee consumed (working on cup #2 with breakfast), three boxes ready for storage, a Goodwill bag started, and a reminder to self that I need more boxes and tubs to accomplish my plan for the weekend. Now all I have to do is convince the man child that his pickup is needed so I can move some of the furniture into storage. ;) 

More later . . .

See Monday, March 21 blog for further details

March 18, 2011

Mama Luna is really working me up/out this time. Yesterday I was ready to bite the heads off of any one or any thing that even looked at me wrong. Today all I want to do is crawl in a hole and pull the dirt over me. **silent scream** I want to feel like ME again!!!!!!

Tonight, I'm going to Anamosa and rock out with The Buzz and my sissy. If I can't beat the feeling, I'll drown it out with music. Please remind me it's a long way home. Enough, but not too much, vodka.

- edited later in the day -

Scratch the trip to Anamosa. I took the afternoon off (yes, I squandered four precious vacation hours) and spent it pulling all the fabric out of my sewing room and transferring it to the storage garage. As I still have bolts of fabric, I had to purchase one more very long, large tub to put those in, along with patterns and other odds and ends. After two trips and filling one pallet, I'm too tired to go anywhere. Thank you, Dadu, for dinner at The Vernon Inn tonight.

I'm settled in for the night, jammies on, glass of wine at my side, and the dogs cuddled upon my lap.

- end of edit -

Tomorrow night, I'm off to Frary Prairie, a celebration of the equinox, Dora's birthday (that is my little secret) and a time of communion with Mama Luna, a big bonfire, lots of friends, and laughter! Again, moderate consumption of vodka; I still have to drive back to Cedar Rapids.

If I leave Iowa City early enough tomorrow night, I'll probably stop off at Sixth Gear and do a bit more rocking out with The Buzz, Sister T, and some more vodka.

How much vodka can this woman consume before she falls on her face? We may never know. ;)

For now, though, I must try to keep a smile plastered on my face and get through one more work day. **groan** I may just make it a short day and squander a few hours vacation. I think I need some "Mumsy" time.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I forgot to post about my Seed Starters event at Prairiewoods on Tuesday evening! My wicked!

I really gave my Spring fever a boost! New plantings germinating on top of the refrigerator! Three varieties of tomatoes, two varieties of sweet peppers, lemon and Italian basil, thyme, flat-leafed parsley, two varieties of zinnias, and two varieties of marigolds.

Jill Jones taught us a great deal about starting plants from seeds and Andrea was all over the room, passing out seeds and helping with the proper planting techniques.

We got to get dirty and make a mess and then clean up. Once my little babies start to poke their heads out of the dirt, I'll share my full-spectrum lamp with them so they grow happy, healthy and BIG!

Bereavement Blog Assignment #2

March 14, 2011

Exploring Relationships
- It has been said that parents and children never entirely separate, i.e. that the "cord" between them is never completely severed. What is happening to the bond or attachment with your mother?

While the physical bond is no longer there, the spiritual bond we have will not be broken. I still feel her with me, and hear her guidance in everything I do. Her encouragement to be who I am and make no apologies for it rings loud and clear. She may not like it, but she respects my individuality and always has encouraged that.

- Do you have special sayings, jokes, etc. that grew from your unique family?

There are many, but the two favorites are these:


Mama's favorite cuss phrase, "Well, sheeit!" is one I use frequently and one my daughter has taken on, as well. It started with my Gran and is following the distaff side generation after generation.

Daddy had an uncle who called him Hamilton (his name is Howard), and would ask him to help with his money as he could not see very well. "Hamilton, is this a ten or a twenty?" Daddy being an honest man, would always tell him correctly, where another member of the family would lie and then take the change for himself. If Daddy was handing out money, which he frequently did, we'd tease him, saying, "Hamilton, that's not a twenty, it's a ten." More often than not, he'd hand you another twenty and tease back saying, "Well, then you better have another cause I wouldn't want you to run short." Every one of us would hand him back the second bill and hug or kiss him laughing that Hamilton was a very generous man.

- Was your mother the "glue" of the family? Was she the "heart of the home?" If so, describe how your family was organized around your mother.

Mama was definitely the heart and the hub of our family. She kept track of each one of us and made sure everyone knew what was going on. She planned the vacations and the family celebrations, she pulled the food together for holiday meals and other special occasions. She made sure we all had our special days and we did our best to do the same for her.

I'm not sure how things are going to play out now that she's gone, but I will do what I can to be sure we all stay in touch with each other as much as possible.  I dearly love my brothers and would be sad to lose touch with any one of them. Richard isn't well and I wish he could come "home" so we could take care of him.

- Think about your siblings (or other close family members.) Have you noticed changes in your relationships with them? Has there been a drawing closer or a moving away?

Truthfully, we're growing closer and I love that. Russell and Richard don't talk much, but Russell and I are growing closer by the day and I feel closer to Richard than I have in many, many years. Randy and I have always been pretty close, but I really need his big bear hugs more than I used to. I love "my boys" and want to stay close to them as long as we're here.

My children, Rich and Tori, and their children are so important to me I can hardly stand to be away from them. But, real life being what it is, I have to be happy with the phone calls, text messages, and much too infrequent visits.

We can't always be together, but we can always be close.

Almost Full Owl Hike

What a perfectly beautiful evening for a stroll through the woods at Prairiewoods Franciscan Center. The time with Russell was wonderful.

I didn't realize how bad off he is until I realized he wasn't going to be able to make the walk without help. He can't see in the dark and he isn't steady enough on his feet to walk rough ground. So, we made the trip arm in arm, and whispered as we went.

Carl called for the owls for quite some time and then asked us to help him. Unfortunately, too many little ones were fussing, crying, and yelling, for it to garner any answers or get any owls to come to us. 

Russell wore out much sooner than I was ready to leave, but I don't want him overdoing it, so we headed back for the retreat center. We stopped for him to rest on a stump and listened to see if we could hear the group. Nope, just the traffic from Boyson Road. He got rested up and we made the rest of the trip back without a problem.

He was ready to go home, so we got in the car and left. I'll go out again some evening, on my own, and see if I can commune with my new totems. It'll be much quieter and I can sit and be still and enjoy the night.

That's all for now,
Mumsy

Bereavement Blog Assignment #1

March 7, 2011


"Exploring the Mother-Child Relationship - What are your memories of important events in your childhood that either include your mother or you wish included her?"

I honestly cannot think of an important event in my childhood that Mama wasn’t involved in or present for.

I joined Brownies in second grade; she became the assistant leader of the troop. We explored Brownies and Girl Scouts together through my sophomore year in high school. I left scouting then to pursue other things and so did she.

We shopped together for every special event; school dances, Christmas and other holidays, birthdays, baby showers, wedding showers. And we shopped together just to have time together. We went to lunch, to coffee, and spent time just sitting together at home and talking through life.

We planned my high school graduation party together. We planned my wedding together. She was with me when my son was born; welcomed children and grandchildren into the family until the day she died.

We shared everything about our lives with each other; nothing was taboo, not even sex or the lack thereof. No subject or question was ever dealt with other than openly and honestly.

The only important event she ever missed was my second wedding. There was not enough notice for her and Daddy to change their plans. But I talked to her the morning of my wedding and we talked again that night. She was there in spirit.

Mama was, is and will always be my best friend. I miss her.

March 7, 2011

"Exploring the Mother-Adult Relationship - What qualities of your mother have you taken in or internalized? i.e. behaviors, phrases, values, etc."

I am my mother’s daughter in almost every way. I look like her, I talk like her, I use the same cuss words (plus a few more), and I feel the same way about life and family that she did. I learned on her lap, at her knee, and by her side.

I am a touchy, feely person just like she was. I hug, I love to snuggle babies and critters, and I love with all my heart. Mama did and that’s all I know. And our hearts were broken many times because of that deep love.

Family comes first. I will never regret the time I took away from home and work when Daddy and then Mama became ill. I would have regretted not doing so. If family or friends call and say “I need you,” I’ll be there. Mama taught me that. Work is important, but it doesn’t come before love.

Mama modeled the love she had for all living things and I took after her with a vengeance. She never turned away an animal in need. We always had animals in the house, in the yard, and some out on Uncle Don’s farm. We had horses at a boarding stable and she was out every day possible taking care of her Big Red.

Uncle Don is gone now, the horses are gone, the goats are gone, and so is Mama. My house is still full of soft, sweet babies; dogs, cats, birds, and other occasional visitors. Her life revolved around family and friends. Mine does, too.

Yes, I am my mother’s daughter. And I am passing these same traits to my own daughters and to their daughters. Thank you, Mama! We love you and we all miss you.

March 12, 2011

Busy day, to say the least. Moved three car loads of boxes, etc. to the storage garage, went to Coralville, picked up bread at the co-op, stopped by Hawkeye Harley and picked up the parts catalogs I forgot last week, put my jacket on lay-away, drove back to Cedar Rapids, and took a load of small furniture to the storage garage.

It's hard to work on lesson plans on the couch in my room so I decided to run over to the coffee shop where I could actually spread things out on a table. Not every idea is a good one. 

"If you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me."


Well, the girls aren't here and I have nothing nice to say about the "music" I heard tonight so I'll just say, "P.R., lose the 'accompaniment' and just f'ing sing. It's impossible to concentrate in the middle of a cat fight."

There, that's off my chest. and I can move on. Which I did; straight home again.

Back on the couch again.  All three dogs are curled up next to me and either I need a bath or she likes my lotion, as my arm is getting a good wash from Rosie. LOL!  It's hard to type as she really means business. 

The laptop battery is about done so I think I'll shut down for tonight and go read a bit. Still need to work on those lesson plans. ;)

Night!

Friday, March 11, 2011

The overnight news is horrific. Earthquake and tsunami in Japan, volcanic eruption in Indonesia, tsunami warnings all through the Pacific Rim, and the planetary alignment coming up on the 19th. What can we do? Two choices; pray or put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye. Think I'll chose the first option.

Take care of yourself, live your life, love your family and friends, give what you can, and remember that we all return to the one that left us here in the end. Leave a life behind that will make people wish you were still here.

Pre-breakfast = 1/2 cup black coffee
Breakfast = 1 hard egg, 1 piece turkey sausage, 1 pancake, 1 cup black coffee
Lunch = chiabata roll with chicken salad, 1 slice swiss cheese and leaf lettuce, hand full of sourdough pretzel nuggets, and finish breakfast coffee.

I forget that friends of friends do not know my sense of humor. Oops! My wicked. Sorry, Lorelei, didn't mean to upset Ben. Then again; Ben, get over yourself! ;p

Oy, back to work . . .

Wondering if there was anything related to the earthquake/tsunami about 1:27 CST; maybe an aftershock or the tsunami striking somewhere. My entire nerve system was quivering for about 15 seconds and I have no idea why it would do that. Unnerving. And again about 2:47. I hate not knowing what's going on . . . :(

Bangs trimmed and sides evened up again, thanks, Joann! I can see!  I can see!

Dinner at Cancun II - tortilla chips, guacamole, seafood nachos, 1/2 Smirnoff Ice. Nom to the 10th power! Thanks, Dadu!

Dogs fed, cats fed, birds tucked in for the night. Rosie and I had a rousing game of "you can't catch me," and now I'm tucked into my own little nest, jammies on and two of the dogs tucked in with me. Rosie is crashed in front of the heat vent, wondering why it isn't blowing warmth at her. Silly bug.

Signing out,
Mumsy

Rambles for March 10, 2011

Amazing what a day of rest and self-care will bring about. I feel almost well today, other than the cough that simply will not go away. Up, dressed, and out the door by 7:15 am! Rock and roll!

Usual breakfast of fruit, Kashi cereal and almond milk. Working on coffee #2 and final for the day. Fell off sweets wagon because the cafe was selling cookies for charity. Means an extra 100 calorie workout on the ellilptical tonight and I don't care or mind.

Work is going well today; emails caught up and number of tasks completed.

Mmmmm, chicken and dumpling soup with two saltines for lunch. More dumplings than chicken, but that's alright. I think I saw one small piece of chicken in the whole cup. LOL! Means it was "almost" meatless Thursday. ;)

Had a handful of honey wheat pretzel rods as a snack, with a glass of water. Meh, but it filled the empty spot.

Dinner was red beans and rice with turkey keilbasa and a glass of almond milk. A late Mardi Gras dinner, but I would have just tossed it Tuesday night. :(

Was in my jammies and ready to call it a night when Lisa called and said, "I'm bored, wanna hang out?" We ended up a Java Creek and the rest of the evening is in the next blog. ;) Keep reading!

Oh, while at Java Creek, I had one glass of wine and a few sips out of an energy fruit drink.

Night all!

Night Out March 10, 2011

My daughter-in-law, Lisa, called last night to say she was bored and wanted to hang out. I remembered that Java Creek had music and so we met over there. So glad that we did!

Kassie Miller is as good in person as she was on Ultimate Coyote, and what a sweetheart she is! This little Nashville cutie has a voice like fine, aged whiskey and a smile that lights up a room.

Java Creek Cafe is a perfect venue for her, and her partner, Ben (Benjamin Wilson), as they get to be up close and personal with the audience and that audience quickly becomes a fan club. I purchased a CD which was quickly signed and offered with a smile and a hug.

Kassie took the time to find out a little bit about her audience members and did requests of anything she felt her voice was equal to and she knew. She says she doesn't have the ability to do Reba, so I asked for Miranda Lambert instead and got a double shot.  She brought me to tears with "The House That Built Me" because of Mama's death and the dismantling of the house that built me over the past few months. Kassie then turned around and changed the mood with "Gunpowder and Lead."  Any covers she did would have made the originators proud.  Her own work is phenomenal.

Kassie, you've made a new fan and a new friend. I'll see you in August!

Meditation on March 9, 2011

As I sit watching the candle flame, I see that the wick has separated in three "heads."  The flame splits around them, then comes back together, almost like it is caressing the three of them.

My consciousness shifts slightly and I see three figures representing the Maiden, Mother and Crone, tied back to back round a stake, the flames rising around them. But they are not consumed by the fire. The flames are harnessed and burn the ropes holding them to the stake. The three step away from the flames and walk away together, unharmed.

My consciousness slips back, I close my eyes and see what I come to feel is my totem sign for Owl and Athena; the owl in flight. A large half circle, covering a smaller full circle.

I gaze at the candle flame again and see two rays of light beginning to reach for my root and sacral chakra points. One by one, they touch my root, my sacral, my navel, and my heart chakras. I feel the warmth of the flame as they rise and close my eyes to once again see my owl sign.

Opening my eyes again, I see that one of the three "heads" has burned off. My intuitive thought is that it is time to let go of the Maiden in my life and concentrate on my Mother and my Crone. Athena and the owl are signs of knowledge and wisdom. It is time to teach my daughters.

Namaste'

Daily Rambles for March 9, 2011

First day of The Goddess Diet and I wake up feeling like death. Yay? Lemon Lift and green tea with honey rather than coffee. The world must be coming to an end! This too shall pass, and soon, please.

Sent a text to Eric, but have yet to hear back from him. **shrug** Forgoing my green shirt for my warm, red plaid jammies. They have green in them. It will have to do. He did eventually text back saying, "OK."

Daily Affirmation: You look better than you feel. Elphaba would be proud.

More later . . .

Decided to chance breakfast; fresh frozen blackberries, Kashi Warm Cinnamon cereal, almond milk, and another cup of tea.  Thinking I might make some coffee a bit later so as not to create a deprivation headache.

For now, back to emails and such . . .

Well "emails and such" turned into a nap; shouldn't I feel better? Instead I can't tell if I'm hungry or just want to toss breakfast . . . more tea being consumed to check the process. At least I'm not prone to snacking today . . . ugh.

Lunch consumed: 2 slices fresh whole wheat farm batard from the co-op, 1 tbs chunky peanut butter, 1 tbs honey, more tea.

Read for a while, started getting queasy again, so I brewed a strong cup of peppermint tea with honey. Drank half of that and curled up for another nap.

Woke up about 3:00 feeling better, thirsty, and needing salt. Reheated my peppermint tea and had a few nut and rice snack crackers with that.

Did my evening meditation (blogged separately), then chatted with daughter, talked with sister about her beautiful sunset, chatted with daughter some more, sent hubby to dinner alone, made more cereal and sliced off a couple more pieces of farm bread for supper, then made a cup of night time tea with honey.

Will probably have a pack of fruit crisps before sleep.  I can't do the not eating after 6:00 pm thing or I won't sleep. I need that little something or my tum starts rolling about 3:00 am.

Signing off for tonight. Enough rambling for one day.
Mumsy